Games
by KingRabbit
Summary: "I don't know when it began. I don't know how it began. I don't know why it began. All I know is that it did. All I know is that I want it to end before our game drives me mad." Yullen really dark yaoi not for the faint of heart
1. Chapter 1

**Hey my lovelies. Well, that might change if you read this and you'll probably all hate me when (if) you reach the end. I had a really bad day yesterday and took my dark mood out on Allen. I'M SORRY KANDA BUT I THINK I BROKE YOUR MOYASHI! **

**So before I let you read, I need to tell you to read in between the lines. Theres a lot of things that are implied so you have to take your time if you want to see what's really going on. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own DGM, but i do own the mood that created this fic, as well as this fic itself.**

Games

_I don't know when it began._

I don't know how it began.

I don't know why it began.

All I know is that it did.

All I know is that I want it to end before our game drives me mad.

.

.

It was all just a game to you. And maybe it was to me too. But why did it have to hurt so badly?

I stare up at the ceiling. My back hurt and I am covered in sweat. My heart is only now beginning to slow its pace. I look at you from the corner of my eye. Your back is to me, your breathing steady. You're wide awake. You don't speak; you don't have to. It is clear what you want.

Sitting up, I gingerly climb out of bed and dress. You're still rough to the point that I was going to find blood when I cleaned myself later. But you don't care, and it isn't until the pleasure is gone that I did either. So really, it's my fault that I don't try to stop you. Or, slow you down rather. I wouldn't have stopped you. This is for me as well.

I limp to the door and turn the knob.

"Will that be all, Kanda?" I ask.

You don't reply and I know I'm dismissed. I don't waste any more time in leaving, fighting the bile that's rising in my throat as I go.

.

.

I don't say anything and neither do you. And maybe that is the first thing we did wrong. The room is tensed, waiting for us to begin yelling and screaming and fighting and –

But we don't. We don't even bother to acknowledge each other's existence. We stay at opposite ends of the room, as far from each other as we can get, both quietly eating our meals. They ask us what's wrong and we say nothing. Before long, you get pissed off and punch Lavi, giving him a black eye. Then you slip from you seat, leaving your food untouched and walk out of the room. I glare at you as you go, wishing I could...

...wishing I could _hate_ you.

But why can't I? Why do you have to be so fucking addicting, so fucking irresistible?

Why won't you let me hate you?

.

.

Komui is concerned. We hadn't spoken (_in front of others_) for almost two weeks now. And apparently we can't go on like this, that it's not healthy.

But he's wrong.

What isn't healthy is letting you fuck me into oblivion whenever you felt like it. What isn't healthy is loving you and letting you toy with me. What isn't healthy is knowing that you know how I feel and letting you use my body anyway. What isn't healthy is hoping against hope that you might return my feelings. What isn't healthy is letting you turn me into a fucking masochist. What isn't healthy is letting you all but rape me whenever you felt the need to break me. What isn't healthy is not sleeping and not eating because I can't fucking stop thinking about you.

What isn't healthy is knowing all this and doing _nothing_ about it.

All for the sake of a fucking love you won't ever return.

.

.

We are sent on a mission together in order to get us back on relatively good terms with each other.

Was there ever such a thing?

There isn't to be a Finder. Wouldn't want anyone interfering now would we? We know what we have to do so there is no point. But I'm glad there's no one. I can only _think_ of how you would probably display us in front of him or her.

And because I (_love_) hate you, I would let it happen all the same. I would probably enjoy it. Oh the many insults you would come up with for something like _that_.

The door to the private compartment on the train is closed, locked, and I'm glad I thought ahead and prepared myself earlier. Or maybe it's because you know I had that you just sit and all but rip my pants to get them off before forcing me onto your lap. I groan at the feel of you in me, because it's not all pain that courses through me.

My back is to you and I know why. You wouldn't want to look at me now would you? You hate me that much, if not more.

You hate me so much that your touches turn gentle.

Your lips are on my neck, soothing the painful sting of the bites you just made. One of your hands glide up to play with my nipples and the other slowly strokes me. I respond just how you want me to, moaning and sighing as I lift myself up and drop back down. My face is hot and there are tears in my eyes and I hate you, I fucking hate you.

"Ka-Kanda..." I sigh out, grinding my hips down on your erection despite how I much I know it will hurt me later. "I love you... I love you..."

You kiss my neck gently and I know your only acting, I know that these touches that feel oh so much like the caresses of a gentle lover are fake. But even still, I react, I let myself believe and hope and hate you for it.

But I don't hate you. I _can't_ hate you.

I'm getting close, so close, and I (_hope_) know you are too. You don't stop me as I finally release, soiling the front of my jacket. But I know it's a mistake and even though my body is disoriented, I try to get away from you.

You just shove me down onto my back on the floor and roughly push back into me without mercy. You don't even pause as you grab my legs and put them over your shoulders. It's all one motion and then you're pounding into me.

There are tears in my eyes, streaming down my face and I am biting my wrist until I bleed in order to keep from screaming. And then you're leaning down and it's hard to breathe with me body folded like this and you're kissing my neck and leaving your mark. Then you're making me come again and you're following immediately after.

"I hate you... I hate you..." I repeat it over and over between my sobs once you're finished. But we both know it's a lie and you don't even spare me a glance as you sit by the window, dressed and composed. I'm still on the floor, probably bleeding again and covered in both your mess and my own.

I'm slow to get up, in more pain thanks to last night on top of this. I don't wear my jacket, wrapping it around my waist instead as I know the blood will probably show on my pants otherwise.

I sit in front of you, tears still in my eyes, back hurting.

"Will that be all, Kanda?" I ask, not looking at you.

You don't reply and I know that there won't be any more until we reach our hotel at the least.

It is going to be a long three months.

.

.

_I don't know when it began._

I don't know how it began.

I don't know why it began.

All I know is that it did.

All I know, is that I want it to end before our game drives me mad...

...and breaks me completely.  


.

I can't move. It hurts too much. I don't think you have ever gone this far. There's blood everywhere on me. My lips are split, whether from your teeth or mine, I don't know. Probably both. My palms are bloody from my nails digging in. My wrists are cut from the tie you'd wrapped around them because I'd accidentally scratched your back. My hips are also covered in crimson, as are my thighs. My legs are bruised in such a way that they'd match your fingers exactly, as are my arms and hips and ribs and neck.

And it all hurts and it all stings and it all fucking _screams_ and _begs_ for more!

Why can't I hate you? Why can't I just fucking _hate_ you?

Why won't you let me? Why won't you let me _stop fucking loving you?_

And you just look at me. There is no emotion. No regret, no remorse, and (_thankfully_) no disgust. You just look at me. And I glare back, glare with everything I can dig up. And you just toy with me. You walk over and stroke my face... brush my hair back... kiss me with every bit of love and gentleness I want and _crave_ for you to treat me with.

And I cry because I can't deny you when you're like this. I know it's an act but I can only kiss you back.

Then you lean away and I cry harder because I know the act is done again and your eyes are cold and hard and empty once more.

And I _still_ fucking _love_ you all the same.

.

.

The water is scalding hot, irritating my skin and there's so much blood mixing with it that I feel faint. I'm on my knees under the showering, scalding water, trying to clean myself. My arm is in front of me, my forehead against it. My right arm is down between my legs, my hand and fingers cleaning the tender flesh. And then I have to do what I must, even with the knowledge of how much it's going to hurt.

And I _scream_ because I'm right and it _hurts_. The muscle is torn and it stings and it's bleeding and it _fucking hurts_. My tears are mixing with the spraying water and the blood and what was left over from your release. And I still push my fingers in farther, because I need to be clean, need to have you out of me. I (_don't_) hate you for this; (_don't_) hate you with every fiber of my being.

And I love you so much that it hurts.

And it's only the first week.

Just that thought makes me stop and remove my fingers, makes me stay there crying until the water is like ice.

Makes me wish more than ever that I could stop loving you.

.

.

You're out on the mission alone because I can barely move. You don't seem to care either way and I'm just glad I can stay in bed. But I don't feel good and I swear I'm going to throw up at the slightest movement. My body aches, more so than what you've caused.

I wonder if I were to cut out my heart that I wouldn't love you anymore.

It'd be worth a try.

I shake my head. Can't be thinking like that right now. I look out the window beside me. The sky is (_agonizingly_) blue, not a cloud in sight. It is summer so everyone is in light clothes of all colors. The streets are bustling and the market is open. I can see you down the street, returning from the investigation. Your face is dark, like you'd tasted something sour, your steps agitated. Your body is stiff, your hands clenched. I shudder when you reached our hotel, knowing what is coming for me.

But when you get inside, you don't touch me, and that, more than anything else, scares the _fucking hell_ out of me.

Your silent and you just stand in the middle of the room after slamming the door hard enough to crack the frame.

I'm shaking beneath the blankets, not knowing what I should be expecting. You're not acting like yourself and it's _freaking me out._

"K-Kanda...?" I ask hesitantly, drawing your attention. And I'm even more scared now because your eyes aren't _blank_ and _empty_ and _cold_ and _hard_ as you look at me.

You walk toward me and I shrink back. You pause and then your reaching for me and my eyes are wide, my hands on your shoulders.

And then your kissing me. And it's soft and it's gentle and it feels amazing and I'm fucking scared because it's nothing more than that. There's no underlying roughness, no promise of something more. It's just a kiss filled with an emotion that I can't name. And I'm scared but I let it continue, let you cup my face in your hands, let you treat me like a lover. And I pull you closer, because that's what's expected of me. And my eyes are still open, wide with fear and awe because yours are closed. There's a crease in your brow and that worries me. And then your leaning away and you stroke my cheek with your thumb.

Then you're moving away and I'm more scared than ever because I feel like I've offended you. I grab your coat and you just look back at me, just looking. But that emotion is in your eyes and I'm not used to it.

"W-will that be all, K-Kanda...?" I ask.

Then I see it and my mind freezes.

There's regret in those beautiful black depths.

You nod and lean down, kissing my forehead. "Yes. That will be all."

And then you stand and I'm left wondering what the fuck just happened. And then you're walking toward the bathroom, pausing when you get to the door.

"Get some rest."

Then you close the door and I hear the shower running and I close my eyes to sleep. Maybe it's the fever, making me delusional.

But something tells me that it's how it seems, that this is reality.

And that brings the fear to whole new levels.

.

.

Your being cruel. More cruel than ever before. You haven't touched me and now I'm so wound up that I can't figure out what to do with myself. I'm able to move again and now I can't sit still. I'm twitchy and always scratching my arm, trying to distract myself.

My behavior is shared and I can tell your suffering just as much though you don't show it.

I push myself against you, surprising you. It was the second month of our mission and I couldn't care if it were our last day or our first. I just want some _relief_.

"Kanda... _Please!_" I beg, grinding against you and _Goditfeelssogood_.

But your full of surprises lately and you grab my hips, stilling my movements. I groan, digging my fingers into your upper arms.

"We can't." You say, shocking me more.

"That didn't stop you before!"

It's a dangerous thing to say, I know, but I'm too wound up, too bothered and stressed to care.

And it's there again, that regret. And I don't understand it so I do what you've taught me to do and begin _forcing_ you and _begging_ for my release.

I push you against the bed until you fall and I straddle you, pressing your shoulders into the mattress. And then my hips are moving again and I'm crashing my lips to yours in a bruising kiss. When you don't let me in, I drag my lips to your ear and bite the lobe. I'm panting and groaning at the sensation and you're in no better condition.

"Please... Kanda... _Please!_" I beg again. And you're so close to giving in with the way your hands are gripping my hips, encouraging the grinding.

And then you are giving in and we're rolling so that in beneath you, looking up with half-lidded eyes. And your grinding harder against me and I arch, caught in that delicious friction.

"K-Kanda!" I gasp, clutching the material on your back.

And then you're stopping, looking at me with those regret filled eyes again. I don't know what else to do, so I use my ace.

"Yuu... Please... Please... I love you... Yuu...!"

And it's supposed to piss you off, supposed to make you snap and just take me dry. But it doesn't and your eyes are filled with surprise and then your kissing me and _goddammit you're not giving in!_

"Fuck! Kanda! _Pleasepleasepleaseplease!" _I all but scream, the tears hot in my eyes. Is even my begging not enough for you anymore?

And you're holding me and kissing my face and rocking us and making small noises.

Am I nothing to you now? Am I not even something you want to break?

Or is it that I'm already broken now? That would explain why you are being gentle. I am broken and only _just_ held together. But you have to return me to the Order in one piece, so of course you were being _gentle_.

I push you away, glaring hard.

"Don't touch me!" I snarl.

You just stare before realization dawns on you but I don't stop to find out what it's about, crawling from underneath you and making my way to the door. It is dark out so it will be easy to find someone. If you aren't going to relieve me then I will find someone who would.

.

.

_I don't know when it began._

I don't know how it began.

I don't know why it began.

All I know is that it did.

All I know, is that I want it to end before our game drives me mad…

…but more than anything I WANT it to continue.  


.

When you find me, I'm in a back alley. My whole body hurts but I had gotten what I'd come looking for. I'm bleeding again and I'm pretty sure I am high off some kind of drug if my spinning vision and detached mind is anything to go by.

You carry me back to the hotel, silent and tense. I know you are _pissed_ but I don't care. Maybe now you will give in and touch me again. And you do, but your gentle, soft and _not_ how I want you. You're bandaging my cuts and bruises and wiping me down with a wet cloth. And all the while you have that fucking regretful look on your face.

But I'm all turned around from the drug, so lost in my own head. And my direction was bad enough as it was.

I want to say _"Don't look at me like that."_

But instead I say: "Why the fuck do I love a bastard like you?"

And you flinch but I don't care. I just push you away and revel in the pain that I have somehow come to crave.

"I'm sorry..." You whisper in a small voice. It's filled with that _regret_.

I shake my head, drowning out your words in my pounding head ache.

"I'm sorry..." You say again.

This time there are tears in my eyes and I shake my head again.

"Allen, I'm sorry."

"Don't. Just stop. Please... Stop being cruel..."

Because that's what you are, cruel. You brought me to this point and now you're not giving me what I've come to addict.

And then you're kissing me, apologizing in between as we take breaths.

And God, I (_don't_) hate you so much that I kiss you back.

.

.

_I don't know when it began._

I don't know how it began.

I don't know why it began.

All I know is that it did.

All I know, is that I want it to end before our game drives me mad…

…but more than anything, I NEED it to continue.

.

.

We are on our third month and you _finally_ touch me. And it's how I want it. There's no blood this time, but you finally drop the gentle lover act. But now there's pain and it's all I can think about and it feels good and so do you. And you're not being overly _gentle_ or _soft_ or _hesitant_ anymore.

Or maybe you are.

Like right now, we're on the bed and my head is in your lap and your stroking my hair. And I want it to hurt but I know it's all I'm going to get.

And I sit up and look at you and glare.

"I hate you."

And this time I really mean it. I hate you more than I can bear.

But I love you so much more that it _hurts_.

Your hand that's in my hair stills and you look back at me before smirking.

"I believe you."

With those words, I settle back into your lap and close my eyes, falling into a warm, comfortable sleep.

.

.

_I don't know when it began._

I don't know how it began.

I don't know why it began.

All I know is that it did.

All I know, is that I don't want it to end because I WANT it to drive me mad…

…more than anything, I NEED it to continue.

.

.

When we return to the Order, we are still silent. They don't comment. You "try" to pick fights but I just ignore you and walk away. There's a haunted look in my eyes that no one comments on but everyone knows is there.

But when it gets to become too much, I seek you out. And you hold me, make me see stars and scream until I can't make another sound. It's our game after all, and now we're both on the same playing field and I'm not the only one that suffers from this wretched emotion called "love."

When I tell you I hate you, you tell me that you believe me...

...when you tell me that you love me, I tell you to prove it...

...and so you do, because that's our game that we play.

**Go ahead and hate me all you want. Sad thing is, is that I'm putting this on my personal favorites list. Please be gentle in your review. Or not. It doesn't matter.**

**I was thinking of writing a second chapter for Kanda because there's a lot going on that you don't see without it being from his eyes. But I'm only going to write it if everyone who favorites this will review. I get the emails so don't think you can get away with it. **

**Review please.**


	2. Important!

_**Important So Please Read!**_

Good evening everyone, morning to some. I know everyone was probably thinking that this was an update and I'm terribly sorry for disappointing you, but it's very important that you read this.

As some of you may have heard, ff(dot)net is mass deleting stories that have any mature content in them. As I'm sure you may have noticed, I enjoy not only reading, but writing lemons and am very passionate about them and can tell you a good one from a bad one in a heartbeat. But the point is I have them in a few of my stories. So I really don't know if my account is even going to survive. But anyway, I do have them on a USB so I'm not concerned about losing them. However, as there are many multi-chapter stories on here, I will be reposting them elsewhere. I know it's a great inconvenience for everyone and I can and will understand if you do not continue to follow them.

But if you will, then here are links to other sites that I am on, just get rid of the spaces.

My DeviantArt account:

king-autumn. deviantart. com

My LiveJournal account:

king-autumn13. livejournal. com

So as soon as I stop wrestling with the two of them, I should have everything up on both accounts. You can follow me on deviantArt but I request that you at least review on my LJ account before you friend me. And at request, I will return the "friending".

An important friend of mine is also doing the same. You might know her as Starisia the Shadow Demon. She has already backed hers up on other sites such as deviantArt ( starisia. deviantart. com and just get rid of the spaces)

….Did you know I once made a facebook account for my writing? Yeah I have no idea what was going through my head… I think it's still there too…

Anyway, so the point of this all is to just let you know and to warn anyone who has lemons on here to back them up somewhere.

Thanks for your time!

Ever the happy (and a little odd) bunny,

KingRabbit


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